My roommate Zoe from Georgia is a great writer... and usually sees daily happenings very uniquely. Luckily for me she writes everything down. Here are some of her things that I hope to always remember. So, mainly this is for me. But, if you are bored you can enjoy too.
Gate Beggars Undo Me, September 2009
I was reading in Luke 6 the other day, and I stumbled over this uncompromising verse:Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. (v. 30, ESV)I remember this verse often, as beggars are as frequent as rainstorms here. Because of the propensity toward substance abuse (huffing glue, alcoholism, and other such maladies), it's better not to give money. But one can give food. Clothing. Water. Pineapple tarts. Today, a woman came to our gate and asked to swap beans for some of our clothes, for her to use for herself. As often happens with the people who come to our gate hawking lawn services and maid services and who-knows-what-next services, I felt more confused than anything else. Told her we'd come down with mostly just the essentials, and there was nothing to give. Not true, now that I think of it. There are two shirts I will rarely if ever wear down here. And even if I hadn't those to give, maybe it doesn't matter. Will He not clothe me?To my chagrin, I can't read hearts. Can't know who needs and who deceives (perhaps they need love all the more). And maybe that is why the imperative from my Lord is strict. I don't know the heart, but he does. He will direct what I am able to give.Give us wisdom, but moreso joy. The joy coming from not being slave to stuff in this world.
I am Terrible at Cost Negotiatons, September 2009
Yet, apparently they are my current lot because in this household I speak the most Spanish.It was a picky problem. A sketch looking guy was just standing smack in front of our house, looking around, when we came back from getting bananas (our own tree has kamikazily uprooted itself).I did not like it.Fortunately, he had a reason: that is, he wanted to cut our (badly-in-need-of-it) lawn. As if I knew the going rate for such things. $10 bucks he wanted. I looked warily at our measly front patch, thinking You're loopy.Bruin, who is way better negotiator, suggested $7.50. He appeared amenable to this, though he then started going on about having to buy what we think was a sharpener. We do not own one. We also realized he had meant to cut the front AND the yard. While he was sharpener buying, I dialed Chuck, our on-call American missionary and general Honduras information source. He informed me that a reasonable rate for our area was in the neighborhood of 40 to 80 lemps, or $2-4. He also advised against (and I agreed) letting Sketch Yard Man into our actual yard (beyond the gate).This required re-negotiation. Wince.I told him $2.50 was more our style for the front patch. He looked fairly bummed about not getting the actual yard job and asked for $5, and he'd pick up all the trash the dogs had strewn about. Making sure he wouldn't ask for anything beyond that for the sharpener (we were confused about all that - shouldn't he own one?), we settled. I'm sure this experience will profit me greatly one day. Maybe even here. Cake Deception, Early October
Approximately a month ago, an event transpired in Casa Gringa that is now popularly known as the “cake orgy.” Indiscreet vocabulary aside, it was the thrilling devouring by the three teachers of three different kinds of cake. No one was, in fact, naked.On October 22nd, 2009, in honor of the 24th birthday of Zac Hanson, this—that is, a cake orgy—was again to take place. While Bowen was at a Spanish lesson, Bruin and Tolson were to acquire said cake, to be consumed at a later hour. And they tried, it appears. They did visit to the bakery, witnesses report, there deciding to have a pre-cake snack of pastry. While Tolson is alleged to have expressed concern that pastries might spoil their appetite for cake, Bruin is said to have remarked that sugar can never spoil sugar. Only vegetables. What evidence this assertion rests on is unknown; only this is clear: on the occasion of the scheduled cake orgy, sugar did spoil the happy event (as did, reportedly, the unstellar cake selection), and paved the way for the absurd yarn that was spun to Bowen anytime she tried to discuss the expected cake. The spiral of deception has been reconstructed as much as possible here, in all its treachery, though the ATM and funeral stories have actually been substantiated.Enter Bowen, with a package, at a crossroads; Tolson and Bruin come from the opposite way.Bowen: Is there cake?Tolson: Something ridonkulous happened!Bowen: Ridonkulous? Oh no. What?Tolson: That random ATM that I NEVER use? It ate my card AGAIN!Bowen: You’re kidding.Tolson: Oh, no. I had to go in there to Dilma again and be like, “Here’s my number again. Give me a call, kthanks.” Bowen: Crazy. But is there cake? I was going to yell “Cake Orgy!” when I walked in the door.Zoe: …Bowen: Did something happen?Bruin: Our house smells like weed!Bowen: Our house smells like weed? Bruin: Yeah, I think they were smoking some wacky weed when they came in to fix the showers.Tolson: Yes, come look. Oh, start with mine. Hey, see? Brand new widow-maker, and the water even runs!Bowen: Very nice.Tolson: And there’s Bruin’s. Again, brand spanking new, but the water won’t come out. Bowen: So we only have one working shower again?Tolson: It’s better than no working showers.Bowen: But there’s no cake?Tolson: There was a funeral!Bowen: What? Where? Tolson: In the street! You know how a Honduran funeral is different from an American funeral? Every vehicle in the procession is a pick-up truck, bed full of sad-looking people. And flowers. Lots of flowers.Bowen: But the cake?Bruin: You can’t eat cake when there’s a funeral! And you’re home early. You skip out of your lesson?Bowen: I told her my roommates were making dinner!Bruin: You could have gotten mugged on the way home for that lie!Bowen: It was a stretch, but there was supposed to be cake! Cake for dinner! That’s not a lie.Bruin: We weren’t making it!Tolson: We’re gonna make a giant cookie instead.
Variety Show-- Thursday, December 10, 2009 at 12:06amNothing to See Here, FolksSo, I queried "illegal immigrant honduras" because that's what I'll become Tuesday because of a logistics mishap. And you know what? No one cares. I mean, officials will probably fine me, but if people aren't illegals in the States it's just not Google-worthy. Nobody's desperate enough to grab the Honduran dream (if there is one) that they'd do something life-risking to live here. Except Rhonda, I suppose. Poor dame can't even get her residency started, after 10 years.Bruin Isn't My Girlfriend, She Just Plays Her on TVOn the 20th of November, Bruin and I attended a piano concert impromptu. Too impromptu. Here are my notes from the field:"[Bowen] declined the concert, saying she felt like crap. [Bruin and I] went blithely upstairs, with the sudden crashing realization that this was a dressy event. We were both in sneakers, dirty jeans, blue Destino T-shirts, and hoodies of various levels of inappropriateness. (My green plaid one isn't good for much more than a rave.)The ticket takers assured us we were fine. But we didn't believe them. I went to see if any boutiques were open, and found the one on the corner closest to the dollar store. They were clearly trying to close but humored me kindly in my breathy, rushed Spanish explanation. The dueña began shoving boxes at me, which I pawed desperately through. Everything formal was too big or bra-incompatible, as our convertibles ones were sleeping in their drawers at home. I finally dropped L240 on matching (as if we weren't already awkward enough together at a romantic piano concert), long sparkly print Ts with cap sleeves. I remain unconvinced that this was enough of an improvement to actually be called an improvement. Maybe if I'd snagged us some slutty stilettos to go with it. I tried to sound reassuring: "These would be perfectly excellent over a black skirt." Bruin mocked, "You just keep telling yourself that."Being in this room with this crowd so dressed makes me feel like I'm in the States. Just with a bunch of tanned people. Our biggest disappointment - aside from the fact that we walk around in a perpetual state of embarrassment - was that the assorted cake plate was actually an assorted hors d'oeuvres plate. I could almost hear Regina telling me to take a vinegar shot."
Tuesday Afternoon, January 12
This afternoon just happened:Bowen left her phone in a cab yesterday, but it had been calling me, so we had reason to believe it could be recovered. We got off in town, paid to re-up the post office box (unexpected expense #905, but it was 500, not 550).Luigi, the pizza man (where Bowen was before she lost the phone) said HIS taxi driver was the one who had it, but as Bowen picked up the cab down a block we have no idea how this connection was made. But it was. Luigi speaks English. Even better. The phone will be retrieved tomorrow.So, we leave, making for home. We get about halfway when we run into Carlos Emmanuel, our goofy, skinny, witchesque long-fingernailed 22 year old shoeshine boy with a sick mama somewhere (we try to give him food for her, but he always eats it because he's as skinny as my grandma). He's about the only beggar we give money to, because he has a legitimate trade, not that I ever have a legitimate need for shoe shines. I made Bowen get it this time. Anyway, he said his kit was really close, we're thinking a block or two. No, the man walks us all the way back to where we started. I sighed. Went to buy us cappuccino and a small pizza for him while Bowen got shined. His cousin had gathered by the time I got back.We begin our trek again. Run briefly into Stephen the gringo who is looking very tall and pale in his black turtleneck sweater. Probably off to eat his 5th meal for the day, that hobbity man.I buy a mantuka, which is like a tamale, which probably doesn't help you at all. It's this doughy stuff with chicken and rice in the middle, all wrapped up and steamed in a banana leaf, which is rather gross looking. I made it about three blocks before I saw a pleasant but bothered looking man, sitting in a doorway. We locked eyes. I smiled. "How are you?" He said nothing, demanded nothing, just reached out two empty hands. I gave him the mantucka.We almost made it past the bakery, but decided to celebrate the recover of Bowen's phone by buying three cupcakes, at about 50 cents each. Crossing the main road to head down our street, a flashing light bulb reminding me that I needed to ...buy a lightbulb ...appeared over my head as we passed the hardstore.Owner and employee are cowards about gringa Spanish. Fetch son from house to speak English to me. Fail. I speak both, to heal my pride.We finally head for home. And are stopped for 10 minutes, 2 blocks away, by a random old man, 60, named Noé, who lived in NJ for ten years and is going back in February to Georgia to work construction. And he son speaks English or something and blah blah lots of factories in Japan and friends and God and you have such sweet hearts, you call my number, practice, and various other irrelevancies.This is how God amuses himself when I pray that I will learn to look for him in all the people I encounter.
The Flower Children- Thursday Afternoon, January 21
When Bruin and I arrived home, there was a shabbily-garbed man sitting on a potato sack a stone's throw from our gate. He was consuming a clear liquid that, if it was not alcohol, was at least in something like a vodka bottle. I said, "Are you hungry?" He muttered a lot of interested incomprehensible gibberish that ended in "Mami," a catch-all term applied to females of both American and Honduran persuasion, and must often heard uttered by taxi drivers, bus bouncers, and the occasional beggar. I said "just a minute" in Spanish, and Bruin handed him an apple. We went outside, fixed a bottle of cold water (for it has decided to be roaring hot again), a packet of cookies, a peanut butter and pineapple jelly sandwich, an improvised bean dip with refried beans, Honduran sour cream (not the same as ours), and goat cheese, and a peppermint for later. This took perhaps five minutes. We returned outside.He was gone. Fie. We walked a block in all four cardinal directions. Nothing. "Maybe it was water," Bruin muttered."Maybe we're having a joint hallucination," I countered. "That joint hallucination has my apple," she replied.Touche.We ate the bean dip and sandwich. They were good.
Sunday Morning, January 24th
At 8 am, I was happily layered under bedsheets. Awake, but with no intention of rising for a good while. The doorbell rang. I rolled my eyes you've-gotta-be-kidding style and turned over. It rang 5 more times. I peeked out my bedroom window incredulously and saw a boy who looked 10ish. I jerked off my bedcovers and hoped he had good health insurance, because he was about to be pummeled by my sleepy fists. Clad in a T-shirt and wild-looking blue-striped pajama pants, I looked quickly around for something decenter and said screw it after a few anxious seconds.Threw open the door and shot them (it was the boy and his 11 year old sister) a ferocious look.See, we know them. They have tried to sell us a mountain of roses in the last few weeks (1 for 10 lemps, or a dozen for 50). We bought two last night, in fact. "What's up?" I said, squaffling my rage as best I could.The boy bleated out something in his typical Road Runner speed Spanish, of which I get about 10%. Something about my other roommates. You know, the nicer ones."We. Are. Sleeping," I pleaded.More run-together Spanish. I caught the word "ratito," which means "a little while." I nodded vaguely. If saying come back in a while would make then go away, I was all about it.I journaled about this incident. I prayed for compassion (especially when I caught myself trying to manufacture compassionate feelings, which must be good for about nothing, since C. S. Lewis' Screwtape is so keen on it). I started to read about Paul's ridiculous plight in Acts. A paragraph in, the doorbell rang. Sigh.I padded out, still just as absurdly dressed. Their offer was still the same offer. Though I give the kid points for style: when I reminded him that we had bought 20 lemps worth of roses from them last night, he pointed out that I could buy one as a gift for someone else.I can't win. So I said, "¿Hay algo más que puedo hacer para Uds? ¿Tienen hambre?" (Is there anything more I can do for you? Are you hungry?)No one ever says no to that. I sent them packing for 10 minutes and charged into the kitchen. An apple was halved, milk was poured, crunchy peanut butter was slathered on bagel slices, and egg was basically everywhere."You weren't lying," Bruin commented.Somewhere in there the rage dissipated. We sat with them and had a good time. They'd never had peanut butter before (or bagels probably, as Bowen observed).They're from a family of 6. One sister goes to a private school. Maybe they're helping pay for it. They walk to town every day.And they gave me two roses as a thank you gift. <3
Zoe has an ability to hear quotes... here are some that she has written or status quoted. We should get us some milk like that. Straight out of the cow. Five minutes ago.-Bruin You can pray for my classroom because it rains in there.-Marino And they never get to pray together as guys because the country's full of women!-Morrow The broccoli had a butt!-Bowen, on the veggie porn guy at a cell repair place Is that RAIN? My SHOES!-Bruin, on the futility of laundry in the rainy season I feel like I'm going to have a baby tomorrow.-Bruin, the night before school started Did anyone actually do the spiritual exercise this week?-Dave I have no idea what you're talking about. Have a cookie.-Morrow I don't even know how much I would charge to carry someone's child.-Bowen The only thing about getting a load of teachers together is it turns to school talk. School talk. I'm against it.-Morrow My egg was a parasite to your boiling water.-Bruin to Bowen Status QuotesMaybe we're having a joint hallucination.' 'Well, that joint hallucination has my apple!' (Tolson,
Amanda Bruin) The famous afternoon'I cut off my chicken's head! Crap! That ain't good!' (Bruin).'Nobody killed the spiders, ladies, really?' 'They're scary.' 'They're gonna get us in our beds!' 'We'll eat 'em as we sleep.' (Bruin, Tolson, Bruin, Bowen).
Zoe Tolson : 'What's D4?' 'Don't worry, just do D' (Stephen and Luis, on guitars). 'I'm pretty sure I majored in procrastination in college. With an emphasis on disorganization' (M. Diener).
Zoe Tolson took two taxis last night and bought a drink and a meal out on the town. All for $3. Bet you can't do that in your country.Zoe Tolson sees the unwanted cleaning fairies have been here! Silly landlord.
Zoe Tolson : 'They need robots to do that job' (Bruin on gynecology).
Zoe Tolson : 'And Zoe does her autistic hands!' (spiteful Bruin).
Zoe Tolson eats breakfast with Straight Gringa and Late Gringa.
Zoe Tolson : 'It's so inconvenient. You have to get all naked and all wet' (M. Deiner on showering).
Zoe Tolson thinks the yard looks pretty silly with its buzz cut...and that one never knows who the Sunday morning walk will bring...'Zoe, I would love you even if you were the love child of a Kinder kid and a 3rd grader. That's unconditional!' (
Amanda Bowen, who just bought a pair of shorts that fit perfectly off a random young passerby with only a couple clothing items for sale in his grubby backpack).
Zoe Tolson heard Bruin humming the funeral march as she went to take a shower.
Zoe Tolson : 'Zoe, your toilet sounds like a man's peeing in it' (Bruin).
Zoe Tolson : 'Do YOU wanna cuddle with a barn?' (Bruin to Tolson).'I should have said pop music that won't get me pregnant.' 'There's not such a thing' (Tolson,
Amanda Bruin). 'America's a rip-off, I'm telling you' (Bruin to her mother on our absurdly low water and power bills).DOESN'T HAVE TO WORK ON HER BIRTHDAY! Oh, politics.
Zoe Tolson bent down to care for for the man in the gutter, and she knew then that her roommates had already passed by, because of the food parcel lying next to his barely conscious mass. ♥
Zoe Tolson had the meagerest (no, Spellcheck, I don't retract that word) Destino lunch she's ever eaten today; then, they got $10,000. So it goes.
Zoe Tolson wonders how that alarming crustacean got in the pila. Maybe he fell from the sky, like the cat.
Zoe Tolson and Bruin are grossly under-dressed at a romantic piano concert. So many wrong signals.
Zoe Tolson : 'Run to Jesus, Baby. He loves you so...' (M. Tolson).
Zoe Tolson : 'The hamburger phone? We need a baleada phone!' (Bruin).
Zoe Tolson : 'If I owned a gas station, a monkey would make my life a lot better' (Bruin).
Zoe Tolson will relish every U.S. shower she takes wherein she utilizes technology that has never, ever shocked her and likely never will. Forget cell phones, Honduras. Back up to water heater technology. I mean, water heaters that are across the house, and not right over one's head.
Zoe Tolson proposes a Bruin Drinking Game: Every time she says "floppin' around"...
Zoe Tolson : 'Can't you WAIT 15 minutes. I guess not if you're holding your-' 'Don't finish that sentence.' (Tolson to student, M. Diener).
Zoe Tolson : 'Dude, you should sniff him!' (Bowen, on my faux-hawked, cologne-wearing Destino brother Maynor).
Zoe Tolson WATER! ::frantically moves mattress::
Zoe Tolson : 'Meat! On a stick! In a cart! In the middle of the road!' (Bruin).
Zoe Tolson : 'Dear Green Beans, you did not satisfy my chocolate craving' (
Amanda Bruin).
Zoe Tolson : 'Skarleth? Axel? Merlin? Are you teaching a death metal band?' (Roberson).
Zoe Tolson : 'Skarleth? Axel? Merlin? Are you teaching a death metal band?' (Roberson).
Zoe Tolson wonders why
Amanda Bowen and
Amanda Bruin speak in sing-song when they discuss hamburger meat.
Zoe Tolson wonders why
Amanda Bowen and
Amanda Bruin speak in sing-song when they discuss hamburger meat.
Zoe Tolson : 'I would never have to go home if my cat was here!' (Bruin).
Zoe Tolson : 'It's the bathroom! I can't move the place!' (Bruin on why she sprayed a mountain of brain-cell killing bug spray in her bathroom, right next to our bedrooms).
'Will I die if I eat you?' 'It's not a Magic Eight Ball, Zoe. It's just a mushy potato' (Tolson, Bruin).
Zoe Tolson : 'If I die laying in a hammock, tell my mom I said it's a good way to go' (Bruin).
Zoe Tolson : 'I'm the 'straight Amanda'' (Bruin, on how she and Bowen are differentiated by their hair).
Zoe Tolson : 'So once the inmates were playing soccer with another inmate's head.' 'Take your camera!' (Tolson, Bruin to N. Diener on his proposed jail visit).
Zoe Tolson : 'It's just because they produce English and think they're gonna get a reward for it' (Bruin on the 'Englsih vomit' of Kinder students when their maestras produce breakfast cereal).
Zoe Tolson : 'I will never be so careless as to trust you to balance yourself again' (Bowen to the cat).
Zoe Tolson : 'That's what you bought the homeless man? No wonder he ran away' (Bruin to Bowen).
Zoe Tolson : 'They're cute! All married and Bible-y' (Bruin on Dave and Esther).
Zoe Tolson & the Amandas figured out how Marvin Michiletti got in the wash bucket: he fell from the roof. Good thing I fail to dump out my dirty clothes water in a timely manner.
Zoe Tolson : 'Exercise! Walk around! Learn to live!' (Bruin to cat).
Zoe Tolson : 'Come rub your uterus on me!' (Bruin to Bowen).
Zoe Tolson If it poops on my back, you're re-showering me (Bruin to Bowen.)
